It Don't Hurt (Like it Used to)
by Rachel Lyse Brook
Summary: Companion piece to Run Away (with you). Natasha battles her inner demons and the hurt from Bruce leaving in after the defeat of Ultron, and she slowly finds peace. Spoilers for Civil War and my own (probably wrong) speculation about Infinity War. I own nothing. Rated for language. Art by Renee. Only I have permission to use!


A/N: Hi again, Avenger Fans!

Here is my companion piece Run Away (With You). If you haven't read that one, please read it after (or before, either one works) this one. :)

Thank you all so much for your reviews/follows/favorites from that story, it really means alot to me!

This story was inspired by Billy Currington's It Don't Hurt Like It Used Too. It's a great song!

Warning: There are a few moments of Strong Language in here.

Spoiler alert: For Age of Ultron, Civil War, and my own (probably wrong) speculation about Infinity War.

Also, I do not hate Bruce! I promise! He's a great character and Ruffalo portrays him very well. Bruce was very hard for me to write. I had to write the last part three times before I was satisfied. I do, however, have a problem with how rushed his relationship with Natasha is in AoU. I understand that a lot had to be done off screen, but honestly, Cap and Nat have more chemistry in that movie, and he's actively trying to push her away.

Lastly: I own nothing.

Alright, enough of me blabbing.

Enjoy!

* * *

 **It don't hurt (like it used to)**

Green eyes stared down the four would be Avengers before her.

It had been a month since Steve and Natasha had recruited Vision, Wanda Maximoff, Sam Wilson, and James Rhodes to build a new team after Thor, Stark, and…the big guy left. And the going was slow in training them.

Sure, they had grown incredibly well in their individual gifts that they brought to the table, but they weren't a team. Not yet.

They didn't fight like one. Sure, they fought well, but even when they surrounded Captain America for this particular sparring session, they didn't communicate well enough with each other as to just how to take him down.

Falcon had already been sent sprawling after a frontal assault on Cap failed. Rhodes had gotten cocky and tried an assault from the rear alone, and ended up also ended up on the mat. Vision had remained floating in midair, as if assessing the Captain's strengths and looking for a weak point, while Wanda was waiting for a signal from Vision.

The latter two seemed to be the most cohesive of the four. They worked well together and seemed to have worked out a pact that allowed them to communicate seamlessly.

Natasha's lips quirked a bit into a smile at that. That was exactly what she was looking for…now if only Falcon and War Machine could get their act together…

Wanda's hands grew red as she summoned her power, forming a ball in her hands and slowly pulling her hands apart. Red tendrils surrounded Cap like ropes, binding his arms to his side and tilting him slightly off balance.

 _Good. Her control has gotten better!_

"Sam, now!" Vision said, noticing that Wanda could only hold their Captain in that state for so long.

"On it!" The Falcon said, flipping from the floor, wings expanding to give him a bit more speed and height before kicking Rogers' in the gut.

"Oof." Rogers said softly, falling backwards a bit as he was unsteady.

Rhodes was right there to catch him, arms snaking around Rogers to grapple him, armor encased arms wrapping firmly around his opponents and his legs planted firmly by the boots of said armor.

Vision smiled a bit as he floated towards the super soldier and removed the timer around the man's neck, stopping it.

Rogers smiled as Rhodes let him go, holding out a hand for the timer. "Better than before," He said, not even out of breath, looking down at the device. "Six minutes, thirty seconds. Definitely room to improve..."

Natasha fought hard against the smile that wanted to creep up her face. Rogers addressed each member in turn, addressing good and bad points, encouraging particular training that would help each member grow.

Almost like a dad teaching his kid how to ride a bike.

 _I can't give you this…_

The stray thought entered her consciousness so suddenly and violently that she physically stumbled. Reaching out for the wall behind her to steady herself, she looked quickly back at the small group she had been watching from the platform above them.

None of them were looking at her, but Cap's hand had twitched. She cursed silently.

 _Why does he have to have remarkable hearing…?_

She steadied her breathing, slipping the Widow mask on, doing her best to not trigger the super soldier's hearing again.

That didn't change the fact that there was a sharp pain that followed the stray thought, and the memory that continued.

 _Hey big guy. We did it. We won…Can't track you in stealth mode…I need you…_

And he was gone.

"Natasha." A soft voice broke through the memories.

"What?" She snapped, her eyes not quite meeting Rogers' as he stood before her. When had he moved to the platform?

His facial expression changed, closing slightly, not completely, but it was less open then before. "I said, do you have anything to say about the exercise?"

She looked around, meeting the eyes of a surprised Wanda, an impassive Sam and Rhodes, and a curious Vision. Straightening her shoulders, determined to be strong as marble, she composed herself, her lips thinning into a grim line. "All of you are not cohesive enough. Vision and Wanda, great communication, but being exclusive to each other isn't going to help you in a real battle. Rhodes, don't get sloppy, next time it won't be your ass-" Her lip twitched as Sam opened his mouth, and he closed it. "-that gets handed to you. I suggest that you all find a new sparring partner among yourselves. You need to know your teammates moves as if they were your own."

The super soldier beside her nodded, affirming what she said. "Same time tomorrow," He dismissed them with a tilt of his head. "Go, get cleaned up. Any injuries, see Dr. Cho."

Four affirmatives rose from the students as they started to walk away.

It didn't pass Natasha's notice the look that Sam threw over his shoulder, or Wanda's biting her lip as the young woman passed. The two of them were insightful, maybe too much so for their own good.

When they were gone, Rogers finally moved. Crossing his arms across his chest and looking her hard in the face, he opened his mouth and began slowly. "So…"

She felt herself stiffen under his sky blue eyed gaze, preparing herself for the barrage of questions that she usually expected from the super soldier.

"Wanna go a few rounds?"

The sudden change in the room was palatable. One moment, the air was so thick with tension that Natasha was sure Cap's shield couldn't slice through it.

The next, it was as comfortable as a sunny spring day.

She lifted a challenging eyebrow. "So eager to land on your ass, eh Rogers?"

He shrugged nonchalantly. "It's preferable to pulling my punches."

Her eyes gleamed almost evilly. "Then prepare your ass, Captain, because it's about to kiss the mat."

When Wanda came to find them around diner time, she found the Captain and the Widow sprawled on the mat, lying side by side, their chests heaving as they laughed together.

As if the hurt never existed.

* * *

She made her decision the moment she saw Steve and Barnes standing there.

The super soldier's blue eyes that she had never seen stray from his objective focusing on her. Steve had always been an easy read. The man wore his heart on his sleeve for goodness sake!

 _And he is good...Not perfect, but definitely good._

And his eyes were faltering, fear entering those blue orbs.

Fear of facing her. She could smell his fear from here.

He obviously didn't want to fight her. He didn't want to punch his way out of this one, not if it meant hurting her.

 _First sign of weakness…_ The demon in the back of her head whispered.

 _Shut up._ She returned. She knew that Cap was not weak. He choose his battles carefully. Hell, he hadn't even made a decision about the Accords until he had read them. He had admonished his team mate—the one who could shrink and grow…what was his name?—when the whole tarmac exploded in flames! And there were countless other examples…

No, Steve Rogers was not a weak man.

Maybe, just maybe, he wanted to finish this job that he said needed to be done—something about more winter soldiers…a danger if he was telling the truth...

 _And I'm always honest…-_

And vanish, like he had after the Avengers had disbanded all those years ago…

 _S.H.I.E.L.D monitors potential threats._

 _And Captain America is a threat?_

Banner's words boomed in her head, demanding that she answer that question once and for all. And it stung.

Was Steve really a threat?

 _Please, Nat…_ his eyes begged as he told her he couldn't stop. He needed to do this. There was a threat.

 _Is Captain America a threat, Romanoff?_

 _No_. She finally replied, silencing Banner's voice.

Steve wasn't a threat. He hates bullies and being bullied. If someone was pulling strings behind the curtain, Cap was the one who could and would stop them.

"I'm gonna regret this…" Natasha half muttered, raising her Widow's Bite, her eyes locked on Steve.

The idiot didn't move, not even to raise his shield to defend himself as she charged a shot.

She shifted her aim and fired, dropping T'Challa, who had been sneaking behind Barnes.

"Go." She said, her voice thick with resignation.

Steve's eyes once again met hers, his blue eyes dripping with guilt and conflict.

"I'll hold them off. Just go!"

She knew what she had done. Knew she would lose allies because of this. Knew she would be in trouble with Secretary Ross.

But she didn't care.

Helping Steve had never hurt her in the past. Never permanently, anyway. He always came back for her, always helped her as she put the pieces back together.

 _He'll be back for me._ She thought as she shot another stinger at T'Challa.

* * *

The sudden silence was deafening.

After the chaotic sounds of battle, Natasha should have welcomed the silence…but that was not the case. It was too quiet.

There was no cheer of victory from Thor. No comment from Tony about food or celebration. No "good job, team" from Steve…

Her hand trembling, she touched the comm in her ear, dreading that she was the only one left standing. That even though they had won…they had lost. "Anyone still standing?" her voice sounded hollow in her ears.

The deafening silence lasted for a few more seconds before voices made their way into her ear.

She slouched in relief as nearly everyone replied to her call, but the dread didn't fade when she noticed that two voices were missing.

Banner and Steve.

There was a sudden sound to her left, she turned her stance immediately turning aggressive…

Until she recognized the figure before her.

The Hulk must have jumped in her direction to find her, as there was a rise in the ground around his feet, as if a large, green meteorite had crashed there. His green eyes bore into her face, as if assessing if Natasha was safe to approach.

And the Widow was very tempted to show that she wasn't.

After all that had happened…

She had had too much time to think, to rebuild her walls, to heal.

And…maybe, just maybe, Banner deserved to hear that from her own lips.

Natasha powered down her batons and relaxed her stance, showing that she was not an immediate threat. At least, for now.

The Hulk took this into consideration and allowed Banner to resume being the dominant personality.

As the transformation began, Black Widow looked away, staring at the dirt by her feet, trying to determine just what she should say or do.

It was Banner, however, that made the choice for her.

"Well," He began, his voice barely confident. "This all seems horrible."

Part of her braced herself, waiting for the pain to rise like it had since had left. His voice had always been the trigger for the pain…

But she was almost shocked when it never came.

Making sure her mask was firmly in place, she turned to look Banner in the eye. His cheeks were sunken and his eyes and hair were wild and unruly. He was blinking way too much, as if he had been trapped as the lesser personality for so long that he didn't remember sunlight.

"I've seen worse," She replied slowly, trying to keep her tone light, but the words fell thickly from her lips, like blood.

His face lowered for a second before tilting enough for his eyes to meet hers. "I'm sorry," Bruce's voice was weak, pained and begging for forgiveness.

Forgiveness that Natasha wasn't sure she could give.

She gnashed her lip between her teeth, eyes glistening. "It hurt, you know." She began, her voice soft and thick. She refused to cry, but knew she couldn't leave this thread loose and hanging, like a swinging noose that threatened to choke the life out of her. "I really thought we were on the same page. We'd finished that last fight with the other and then face our demons together…but obviously, I was wrong."

"'Tasha, p—"

"No!" Her eyes shifted to green fire, glaring into his very soul. "You don't get to call me that. Not after everything that happened. Not after you and Stark created Ultron. Not after watching our friends tear each other to pieces because the government thought we were out of control. Not after you abandoned us, afraid to face the consequences that we could have faced together." She stalked forward with each word, unafraid if the Other Guy showed his face again, she had some choice words for him too. But for now, Banner would do. "Not after you broke your promise and left me to face my demons alone."

The man before her visibly shrunk, and it was so strange to her. After working with Steve for so long and all the disagreements she had with him, she had grown used to a man standing his ground. Even Tony stood his ground more than Banner did.

Maybe, years ago, that had been why she had been drawn to the scientist with two personalities. He ran from fights. She would never have to lose a fight to him, because he would show his neck and concede to her the victory before the battle even started.

Not like Tony or Steve, or even Sam or Rhodes.

They all had a backbone, and even if they were stubborn in their particular ways, they were a challenge. In order for her to win against them, she had to fight for it.

And it was always worth it.

"It hurt, for so long," She continued. "Worse than any pain the Red Room put me through. Because I let you in, Banner, I trusted you. Believed you. And when it finally came to the draw, you folded, tossing me and the rest of the team aside like we were the worst cards you could've received."

"I can't give you what you want, Natasha." He said, echoing the words of the past, his voice growing a bit stronger with each word. "I can't go back to being an Avenger. Not after all this." He gestured around at the destruction that had been wrought. "I can't go back to being the man I once was." His eyes gleamed fiercely. "Don't you get it? I can never stay!"

"You could have. We had figured a several ways to appease the Other Guy. Hell! I even made friends with him!" She ground her teeth lightly as he shook his head, denying it all. Rolling over. "All of us were hurting from our demons. All of us, Bruce, not just you." Her lips pressed into a thin, firm line. Maybe he had gained a backbone while he was gone, even if it was too little too late. "I would have gone with you, followed you to the ends of the Earth. Maybe the others would have followed and we could have healed, together." She took a steadying breath, her vision swimming. "We could have faced our monsters, together." A chuckle escaped her lips, humorlessly. "But now it's too late for that. I faced mine, and it doesn't hurt like it used too. Tony, Steve, Clint. We've all faced them. And sure, we did it apart for a chunk of it, but in the end, we found ourselves back at Avenger's tower and working together...at least, before Secretary Ross came stomping in."

Banner stared at Natasha, his stance losing its tremble.

"I made peace with them. I've moved on, and," Her eyes caught something just over Banner's shoulder. A figure she hadn't seen there before, just standing there not facing her, staring into the distance, sandy blonde hair shifting in the wind. And the dread, which had settled into her stomach before, loosened, making her feel lighter. "And I'm not running away from who I want to be, who I should be."

Bruce's stance slackened even more, his head dipping in acknowledgement, realizing that he had truly and completely lost his shot. He added, softly. "I really do care about you."

Natasha's lip twitched as she started walking again, moving past Bruce, to the figure that captivated her attention. "We all care about you, Bruce." She replied, just as softly. "And that includes me."

* * *

A/N: And that's a wrap! Thanks for reading.

Please leave a review, let me know if you liked it/hated it. I would really appreciate some constructive criticism. This has been my first time writing things from Natasha's POV, and I hope that I was able to grasp her personality.


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